


Wishes For Christmas (2015)

by IvanW



Series: Ivan's K/S Winter Holiday Collection [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Complicated Family History, Complicated Relationships, Family Bonding, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jealousy, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Angst, Past Child Abuse, Romance, Schmoop, holiday romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-04 01:42:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5315483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock spends Christmas with Jim and his mother in Riverside, Iowa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Winter Wonderland

Spock watched his captain as he walked down each aisle of the tree lot. Each tree the captain stopped at and studied. He seemed to be considering each with more detail than some diplomatic mission briefs he’d dealt with.

The last one on the current aisle was covered with imitation snow. Jim had called it ‘flocked’. Spock walked the short distance down to where Jim stood.

“I thought you said you did not appreciate the flocked kind.”

“Hmm. Well, I don’t really. But I like the look of this particular tree. Better than the others.” Jim shook his head. “I’d rather have it unflocked but I’ll take this one.”

Spock eyed the eight foot tree. “Will it fit in your home, Captain?”

“Sure. There’s a high ceiling in the living room. It will fit perfect.”

“Is that the price for it?” Spock asked dubiously.

Jim laughed. “It’s Christmas, Mr. Spock. It only comes once a year.”

“I am aware of that. I fail to see why it requires exorbitant prices.”

“Just go get me the salesman so we can get this strapped to the hover car.”

“Yes, Captain.”

****

“When was the last time you were home, Captain?”

“This isn’t really home.”

“Is Riverside, Iowa not where you grew up?”

“It is, yeah. Mostly. But it’s not home.”

“Where is?”

“The Enterprise, I guess.”

Spock looked out the window on his side. “But our mission has ended. There is no guarantee you will be commissioned aboard the Enterprise again. Nor any of us.”

Jim nodded. “I know, Spock. Our leave has just begun. I don’t really want to think about that too much.”

“I admit I was somewhat surprised Dr. McCoy did not choose to accompany you.”

“He hasn’t seen his kid in years. He needed to go back to Georgia.”

Spock turned back to look at his captain. “And you did not want to accompany him to Georgia?”

“Well, he didn’t really ask, for one. And two, I think he could use this time with his daughter without Federation interference.”

“You are hardly the Federation, Captain.”

Jim smiled. “I know. And what about you? How come you didn’t go with Uhura?”

“Nyota was not going home. She took a temporary assignment on another starship that needed a skilled communications officer.”

“How come I didn’t know that?”

“I think you likely do have the information in your communications, Captain.”

Jim shrugged. “Yeah, okay, maybe. I didn’t read all that stuff at the end. There was too much.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow. “Sometimes I do not understand you.”

“I don’t always understand myself, Spock. And seriously, we’re on Christmas vacation here. Can you drop the captain stuff? You just admitted we don’t even know if I’ll remain your captain in the future.”

Spock had no intention of serving under any captain but Jim but since the captain had expressed a desire not to discuss their ultimate future, Spock did not say so.

“Very well, Jim. How much longer until we reach the farmhouse?”

“A couple miles. So, you weren’t upset that Uhura chose to go off on another mission?”

“It is a temporary one as I said. It is supposed to be for only six months. And it is ideal for her record when considering future promotional opportunities.”

“Hm. Well, still, I’m surprised you didn’t go with her. I’m sure they could have used a science officer of your caliber.”

“No doubt,” Spock acknowledged. “But I believe it was Nyota’s wish for us to have this time apart.”

Jim flicked a glance at him. “Apart? Like a separation?”

“Yes.”

“I wasn’t aware you guys were having problems again.”

Spock inclined his head. “Nyota often finds that we are emotionally incompatible.”

“Meaning she wants you to be more affectionate,” Jim guessed.

“Yes.”

Jim shook his head. “Relationships. You can keep them.”

“Have you ever had a romantic relationship, Captain?”

“A relationship? I don’t know. Sort of. Have I been in love?” Jim gave a sort of sad little smile. “I’ve been in love.”

“What happened?” Spock asked, curious. Rarely did his captain talk about such personal information.

“Nothing happened, Spock. They didn’t love me back.” Jim glanced at him. “Here we are.”

He pulled the hover car down a long path toward a farmhouse Spock could see in the distance. The ground had traces of snow, but nothing was fully covered. The captain had told Spock to bring lots of warm clothes and Spock was glad he had been prepared.

Jim pulled the hover car up and stopped right in front of the house. “I’ll move it later.”

Spock spotted a woman waiting just steps down from the front porch of the house. She wore a cardigan sweater and her gray-streaked blonde hair had been pulled back from her face with a red ribbon.

Jim immediately ran to her and enveloped her into his arms. Her laugh was joyful as Jim spun her off the ground.

“Jim!” she exclaimed. “Put me down.”

“Okay, okay.” He looped his arm through hers and practically dragged her over to Spock as he stepped from the hover car. “Spock, this is my Mom, Winona Kirk. Mom, this is my bestie, Spock.”

She laughed again. “It’s delightful to meet you, Spock. Welcome to Riverside.”

“Thank you for inviting me to accompany your son, Commander Kirk.”

She grinned. “Oh, I haven’t been Commander Kirk for three years.”

“And retirement suits you,” Jim added.

“It does,” Winona agreed. She looked past Spock at the hover car. Her smile grew. “Oh, it’s perfect, Jim. What a lovely choice.”

“It’s flocked.”

“I can see that. But it’s going to look great with the lights and the ornaments. Have you ever decorated a Christmas tree, Spock?”

“I have not, Mrs. Kirk.”

“That won’t do either. You have to call me Winona. And you’ll love decorating with us.”

It was Jim who laughed this time. “Oh, I very much doubt that. But he’s going to help anyway.”

“Great! I can make hot cocoa.”

“Mom! Spock can’t drink that.”

“Oh. Oh. Right. Sorry. I forgot. Tea then?”

Spock nodded. “That would be most welcome.”

Jim rolled his eyes and went to untie the flocked Christmas tree from the roof of the hover car. He was whistling a song Spock recognized as _Winter Wonderland_. Jim’s cheeks were flushed pink and Spock found it difficult to look away.


	2. Jingle Bell Rock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of angst here. It's a Christmas story, but it's still me, so...

“I’m not much of a tea drinker, Spock, but I do have some Christmas tea that came in a basket I won down at the local bar.” Jim’s mom handed Spock a steaming cup of tea with a tea bag dangling out of it.

“Christmas tea?” Spock arched a brow. He took a sip. “A bit of orange and spice. It is acceptable.”

“Great. We can get you more in town later. Jimmy?” She handed Jim a cup of hot cocoa brimming with mini-marshmallows.

Jim took the cup. “Thanks, Mom.” He followed her into the living room where they had set up the tree. She had already laid out several boxes of ornaments and strings of lights.

“Did you get enough water in the stand?” Mom asked.

“Yes, Mother.”

She lightly smacked him. “Don’t be sassy.” There was a beep coming from the kitchen. “Oh, those are the cookies.”

Jim grabbed her arms. “Wait, what? Cookies too?”

She blushed. “I just thought…you know…Christmas cookies.”

For a moment he just stared at her. “Aren’t you going overboard?”

“Am I? Families do Cookies and Milk at Christmas, right?”

“Aren’t we a little old for that?”

“You’re never too old for Cookies and Milk.”

Jim shook his head but he smiled. “Okay, I’ll give you the cookies but no milk.”

She touched the side of his face. “I’m sorry. I am getting carried away. I know I can’t ever give you perfect Christmases like you should have had. And it’s stupid to try.” 

“It’s not stupid, Mom. But we really can’t turn back time and make it something it wasn’t. Let’s just worry about building something here, now, okay?”

“Yes. Can I still frost the cookies? And decorate them?”

Jim laughed. “Yeah, yeah, okay.”

“I’ll just take them out of the oven and they can cool while we decorate.”

Jim shook his head and turned away, to step back to where Spock stood by the tree. The Vulcan was pretending not to hear any of it, but of course he had.

“Your mom ever do any Earth holidays?”

“Negative. My father did not encourage her to practice human traditions while on Vulcan.” Spock looked to the tree. “I do not believe it was his intention to be unkind, but rather he thought it would help her fit in better.”

“And did it?”

“No. Neither she nor I were ever really accepted by the others there,” Spock said softly.

“That’s their loss, Spock. I hope you know that.”

“And you, Captain?”

Jim smiled. “Jim.”

“Jim. You did not have Christmases like this growing up?”

He turned away from Spock and picked up a box of glittery red balls. He didn’t look at Spock. “Nah. Mom was off planet a lot. And my stepfather…he thought Christmas was stupid frivolous nonsense.”

“And your brother? You have one, do you not?”

“I barely remember him. He left when I was young.”

Spock eyed him silently. Then, “I did not know that.”

Jim shrugged. “Well. No reason you should have.”

“So these ornaments are—”

“Are new, yes,” Mom said as she came back into the living room. “I bought them at a store in town when Jim told me you two were coming here.”

“Yep.” Jim pulled her over to him and hugged her close. “We decided we were going to do Christmas up right, huh, Mom?”

“Yes. And in fact. I know you think I’m going overboard a bit, but I have Christmas music to play while we deck out the tree.”

“Um. Okay. Yeah.”

She smiled. “Yeah?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll be right back. I have to set it up.” She hurried out of the room again.

Jim blushed a little. “Sorry about this. Mom’s getting a little crazy.”

“There is no need to apologize.”

“It’s just we sort of agreed that since this was practically the first Christmas we’d ever spent together we’d make it a nice one. One of us has always been off planet or, you know, somewhere else. Mom’s retired and I’m on leave, so we weren’t ever going to get another chance like this.”

“As I said, no apology is necessary.”

Jim looked toward the direction his mother had gone. “See, she has cancer.”

He felt Spock’s stare, but he said nothing.

“This might be the only Christmas we’ll actually have.”

“Jim—”

“Yeah, it’s funny, right? We finally reconnect a bit, try to be a true parent-child dynamic, and she’s dying. What are the odds?” Jim shook his head. He knew what the odds were with his involvement.

“I do not know what to say.”

“Hey, I’m just glad you’re here, right?” Jim smiled. “It’s good, okay? And don’t tell her I told you. No one is supposed to know. She doesn’t want that.”

Mom came back in just as Jingle Bell Rock began to play. She was beaming. Jim grabbed her hand and started to dance with her as he sang along to the lyrics. She laughed and sang too, though admittedly she was terribly off-key.

When the song was over, they both laughed and laughed.

Jim noticed Spock was looking at him strangely. “What?”

“You sing very well.”

“Nah,” Jim denied.

“You do. You never told me you could sing.”

“Well.” Jim shrugged. “It’s not like I ever had a reason to sing to the Klingons or something.”

“I noticed you didn’t say I sang well, Spock,” Mom said, hands on her hips. There was a twinkle in her eyes.

Spock opened his mouth, then closed it.

“Awe, Mom. It’s okay, Vulcans don’t lie.”


	3. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

“I was unaware you smoked,” Spock said as he stepped out onto the front porch of the farmhouse where his captain’s mother stood smoking.

Jim had gone upstairs for a moment to speak with Dr. McCoy, and Winona had used the opportunity to, apparently, have a cigarette.

She smiled vaguely. “Oh, it’s a nasty, dirty habit. And I’ve cut down over the years. When George was alive he hated it, so I quit.” She stared out into the night darkness. “After… well. Anyway, I use it mostly for stress relief.”

“You are stressed?”

“It’s hard to impress my son, believe me.”

“I do not believe he expects to be impressed.”

“Maybe not.” She sighed. “Christmas hasn’t ever been a very merry time for us.”

Spock stayed back away from her so as not to be hit by her smoke. “Perhaps you try too hard?”

“This time? Maybe. In the past, no. I never really loved my second husband, Frank, you know. I liked him well enough. He presented a good package on the outside. I thought he would be a good stable influence for the boys. Lot I knew.”

“He was not?”

“Frank was a son of a bitch, Spock. And that’s being kind. He chased my elder son away. And Jim … I can’t even guess how much damage Frank did. He sent him to Tarsus IV. Have you heard of it?”

Spock stiffened. “Most of the information concerning it is—”

“Classified. I know. The reason Jim was sent there doesn’t matter, it’s just that he was. And when I found out, well, that was the end of Frank in our lives. I should have gotten rid of him sooner. I wasn’t here for a lot of it, but I should have done something anyway. Jim was rescued from Tarsus on Christmas. Most of the people he knew, well, they weren’t.” She stabbed out her cigarette on the railing and then threw it in some trash nearby. “So, Christmas? Not a lot of good memories.”

“He has never told me he was on Tarsus IV.”

Winona glanced at him. “He wouldn’t. Jim’s as closed off as Pandora’s Box. And opening him is probably just as dangerous.” She looked up at the sky. “It’s a clear night. But that won’t last. They’re predicting snow later in the week. You like snow, Spock?”

“No,” Spock admitted.

She laughed. “You picked the wrong place to come then for your leave.”

“Jim was coming here,” Spock said simply.

“I’m glad you’re his friend. You and Leonard. Jim doesn’t have a lot of friends. And I never understood why. He’s a wonderful boy.” She laughed again. “And he’d probably kill me if he heard me calling him a boy.”

“Indeed.”

“You like my son, don’t you, Spock?” Winona asked.

Spock nodded. “Yes.”

She smiled. “Good. He needs friends.”

“It is cold out here, perhaps we should return indoors?”

“In a moment.” She hugged herself. “I want to tell you something.”

Spock was fairly certain he didn’t want to hear it, but he agreed. “Very well.”

“I have cancer and I’m probably not going to live much longer.” She puckered her lips. “I can see you aren’t terribly surprised. Jim told you, didn’t he?”

“Yes.” Spock hesitated. “There are no medical treatments?”

“There are, sure. I just choose not to put myself through them. Jim understands. So that’s good.” She glanced at him. “What I wanted to say was, when it happens, Jim will probably need his friends more than ever. He hides so much inside. I guess I’m just asking you to remain his friend.”

“I can certainly promise you that,” Spock replied. “I shall always remain his friend.”

Her smile broadened. “Thank you.” She gestured toward the door. “Shall we?”

They stepped inside.

Jim looked at them quizzically. He was holding his hot cocoa in his hand. “There you two are.”

“Jim?”

“Yeah, Spock?”

“You have marshmallows on your upper lip.”

“Oh.” Jim blushed. His tongue darted out to trace his lips.

Spock could not exactly deny that he’d wanted to see Jim make that very gesture. It had been the purpose of telling him about the very light amount of marshmallows.    


	4. Silent Night

“Wanna go for a walk?” Jim asked Spock as he pulled on a coat and wrapped a scarf around his neck. He reached for a hat, a sort of tweed beret, and placed it on his head.

“Where is your mother?”

“She went to bed. She was getting tired. You coming or not?”

“It is cold,” Spock replied. “And windy.”

Jim laughed. “I take that as a no. Okay, suit yourself.”

“I will go with you,” Spock called out as Jim reached the door to outside.

“You don’t have to.”

“I wish to.” Spock was pulling on a coat and gloves.

“I thought Vulcans didn’t lie.”

“I will admit that ‘wish’ is perhaps a slight exaggeration.” Spock pulled a beanie over his pointed ears.

Jim surveyed Spock who had wrapped his scarf up high around his nose. He couldn’t help but smile. “You’re adorable. Come on.”

“What possessed you to decide to brave the elements for a walk, Captain?”

“Jim,” he said faintly as they stepped off the porch and into the cold windy night. He stopped to look up at the sky. “Might snow tomorrow.”

“Your mother alluded to that possibility earlier.”

“I like to walk in the cold sometimes.” Jim told him. “The briskness reminds me I’m alive.”

Spock walked beside him, huddled into his coat. “Surely there are other ways to remind oneself.”

He laughed. “I don’t think you’d approve of any of those either.”

Spock glanced at Jim. “May I make a query?”

“Sure.”

“Your mother mentioned you spent some time on Tarsus IV.”

Jim’s heart plummeted. He looked away. “What’s the query?”

“I suppose I wondered why you had never mentioned it.”

“There’s nothing to say. Yes, I was there. I’m not there now. I don’t talk about it.”

“Does Dr. McCoy know about it?”

Jim shrugged.

“Does that mean yes?”

“Yes, I suppose he does. As part of my medical history.”

“I see.”

Jim looked at Spock again, but his friend was looking straight ahead as they walked. “Does that bother you?”

“Does what?”

“I don’t know. The fact that Bones knew and you didn’t. It seems to bother you.”

“Vulcans do not feel bothered,” Spock said primly.

“Oh.” Jim nodded.

Spock seemed to hesitate. “But…I do not know. I suppose there are times when I wonder why he has more knowledge of you as your friend than I do.”

“Well, I’ve known Bones longer.”

“Does the amount of time of one’s acquaintance dictate the manner of friendship?”

Jim shoved his cold hands into the pockets of his coat, wishing now that he’d put on gloves like Spock had. “Sometimes, yeah. To be honest, Bones was immediately approachable from pretty much the first time we met. And you—”

“Were not.”

“Bringing me up on charges of cheating on your test didn’t exactly scream ‘confide in me, Jim’.”

“I suppose not,” Spock acknowledged.

“And then there was the marooning me with Jim-eating monsters.”

“Hm.”

“And trying to strangle me.”

“Captain—”

“Then there was the filing a report on me after I saved your life.”

“I did not file a report on _you_ , it was on the mission.”

“Semantics. Then there was—”

“I get it,” Spock interrupted.

Jim smiled. “Anyway, we’re past all that now, aren’t we?”

“I would like to think so.”

“Spock, there are things in the past that happened to me that I’d rather keep in the past where they belong. Tarsus is one of them.”

Spock nodded somewhat stiffly. “Very well.”

Jim stopped at a big tree. He put his hand on the trunk. “I used to climb this.”

Spock looked up at it. “It looks dangerous. You did not climb all the way up, did you?”

He grinned. “Didn’t I? You bet I did.”

“For what purpose?”

“Usually to escape Frank.”

“Your stepfather?”

“Yeah.” He stared up into the tree. “He wouldn’t or couldn’t climb up after me. Most of the time he didn’t even know I was up there. I’d see him pass below while he called my name holding his belt.”

Spock frowned. “His belt?”

“Uh-huh. Used to beat the shit out of me with it.”

“Jim, I…I do not know what to say.”

“I know,” Jim said softly. “There really isn’t much to say. I used to dream that I’d be big enough to beat the shit out of him instead. Never happened though. Mom eventually got rid of him and I was still not big enough to kick his ass.”

“Where is he now?”

Jim shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. And I don’t care either.”

“Another part of your past you do not wish to talk about?”

“Well.” Jim smiled a little. “I guess I am talking about it, aren’t I?”

“Yes.”

“Your ear. It’s…well.” Jim stepped close and pulled down Spock’s beanie. “It was exposed.”

 Spock was staring at him then, dark eyes fathomless and Jim felt like it was a kick to his gut.

 _No, Jim_.

Jim stepped back with a big grin. “We should probably head back to the house before you become a Vulcansicle.”

Spock blinked. “A what?”

“Never mind. Let’s go.” Jim started walking back toward the house. Spock, of course, followed him. “I figured you can have the room next to mine upstairs. Mom has the master on the first floor.”

Spock nodded. “Whichever room is fine.”

“Did you bring your meditation stuff?”

“Of course.”

Jim smiled. “Of course.” He opened the door and they stepped into the warmth of the house. He glanced over at the decorated tree with twinkling white lights. “Looks pretty, huh?”

“It does.”

“Come on, Spock. Let’s get you set up in your room.”


	5. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Spock woke before dawn to a quiet, still, and cold house. He peered out the window of the bedroom he had been given but there was as yet no snow on the ground.

He took a very hot shower, somewhat grateful for the water shower, then dressed in the thermal underwear Jim had suggested he take with him, as well as black trousers and a gray sweater. Ankle boots completed his attire.

Spock had always been an early riser, even as a child, so he was surprised to find when he went down the stairs of the farmhouse to see Jim already up and in the kitchen.

Jim wore only a tight fitting red T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to expose more of his muscular arms, and low slung, far too tight jeans that slipped down to expose just a hint of the crack of his ass whenever he bent over, as he was doing now, peering into the oven.

It was a sight Spock had not expected to see and he, therefore, found himself staring at the exposed bare skin of Jim’s back that lay just above that hint of Jim’s ass.

Just then Jim straightened and turned around. “Oh. Hey, Spock. Good morning. Didn’t hear you come down the stairs.”

Spock glanced down at Jim’s feet. They were bare. “Are you not cold?”

“Hmm? Oh. Nah. The heat’s on. You should feel it pretty soon. I tend to run a little hot on the temp thing anyway. More so actually since I got that super blood. Drives Bones nuts.” Jim picked up a mug and sipped from it, then he offered Spock a dazzling smile that kind of made Spock shift on his axis. “I’ve got coffee made. But I suppose you want tea.”

“Yes.” But Spock had not moved from his position on the edge of the kitchen.

“Have you ever actually tried coffee, Mr. Spock?”

“Not that I recall.”

“Yeah? You should.”

And suddenly Jim was all up in his space and pushing his mug of coffee at Spock.

“Try some.”

“Captain—”

“It’s not poison, Spock. Just take a tiny taste.”

As close as Jim was to him, Spock could see just how blue saturated those eyes were. He was fascinated by the darker ring of blue around the iris as he tried to force himself to look away. Jim smelled of cloves and ginger, though Spock did not know why.  

“Spock?”

Spock blinked and took the mug from Jim’s hand. “Very well.” He brought it to his lips and took a sip. He inclined his head and gave it back to Jim. “It is not altogether horrible.”

Jim laughed, warm and cheerful, turning away back toward the stove. “Fine. Have your tea then. I’m making breakfast.”

“What are you making?” Spock asked as he finally walked all the way into the kitchen and over to the tea kettle.

“A vegetarian quiche. You can eat that right?”

“I can, yes.” Spock sniffed. “It smells good. I was unaware you were skilled in the kitchen.”

“I have a lot of skills, Spock.” Jim winked. “Have a seat at the table with your tea. It’s going to be a while.”

“You do not require assistance?”

“Nope.”

“You are in a good mood.” Spock made his tea and took it to the table where Jim joined him with his coffee. “Did you sleep well?”

“Hell no.” Jim shook his head but he was smiling. “Hardly at all, actually. Maybe a couple of hours. I’ve never been very good at sleeping. It’s hard for me to stay still enough to sleep.”

Spock stared at him for a moment. “You are plagued by nightmares?”

“How’d you know?”

“A calculated guess. For how long have they troubled you?”

Jim shrugged. “Most of my life really. I get by on lots of coffee and sheer will, mostly.”

Spock thought of a Vulcan method that could assist with undisturbed sleep but he was not certain Jim would agree to it. Jim generally kept his distance when it came to telepathy and mind melds. He’d told Spock once that his counterpart had melded with him on Delta Vega and it hadn’t been very pleasant. He hadn’t gone into details about it though and Spock had not invaded his privacy by asking.

“So once we have breakfast and Mom’s up, we thought we’d go into town and do some Christmas shopping. Food shopping too. You can get some more tea. It’ll probably be a little crazy out there, because you know people go a little nuts at Christmas. We want to get it all done and back home before it starts snowing.”

“Will it snow today?”

“Probably. Then tomorrow night one of the local bars is having a little get together. Mom and I thought we’d go. You don’t have to though if you’ll feel uncomfortable.”

“I will go.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah?”

“Indeed. I am here to spend the season with you and your mother, not to sit here alone by myself.”

“Exactly.” Jim’s smile widened and he reached over to pat Spock’s hand lightly. The contact was brief, yet Spock got a quick feeling of an intense emotion from Jim he could not quite place. Jim stood. “Time to check that quiche.”

Spock turned in his chair to be able to see as Jim bent over to look in the oven again. He should not, of course, but he found he could not seem to help it.

Fascinating.  


	6. Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

“What do you think?”

Mom pulled the carton out of Jim’s hand. “It’s something people do, right?”

“So it says,” Jim agreed, reading the sign.

Jim felt Spock lean over him to peer at what they were inspecting.

“What exactly is egg nog?” Spock asked.

“Well. It’s a creamy nog made out of eggs,” Jim replied with a smile.

“And a nog is what?”

“A drink, I think. Looks like a drink, doesn’t it, Mom?”

“It does. Says it’s great with brandy.”

Jim grinned. “Sold then. We’ll have to get some.”

Mom smiled back. “As it happens there’s a bottle at home already.”

“I guess we need, um, nutmeg to go on top.” Jim put the carton of egg nog in their shopping cart and started to search for the nutmeg. Spock followed closely behind while his mother went to look at something on another aisle.

“Humans consume traditional fare at Christmas, Captain?”

“I suppose they do, Spock. God my feet hurt.”

“We did spend four hours at the shopping mall.”

“My back aches too.” Jim shook his head. “I hope I got everything because I sure as hell don’t want to go back there before Christmas.”

“Why are gifts exchanged at Christmas?”

“Uh.” Jim shrugged. “I don’t really know, Spock. I’m not exactly religious or anything. I think it had something to do with the baby, Jesus, receiving gifts from the magi or something.”

Spock arched a brow, which made Jim laugh.

His Vulcan first officer was bundled up for a blizzard. He wore a gray knitted cap interwoven periodically with red reindeer shapes pulled down low over his ears. Jim had purchased it for him at the mall because it amused him to think of him wearing a hat with reindeer decorating it. He wore a charcoal gray thick pullover sweater and black pants. Over his sweater he wore a parka and had a red scarf wrapped around his neck. He had on water proof boots, too.

“Ah, here it is. Nutmeg. Excellent. Now we need to find your tea.”

Spock dutifully trudged after Jim.

“Your feet hurt, Spock?”

“Only slightly, Captain.”

“Jim, remember? You’re driving me crazy with that ‘captain’ thing.”

“I apologize, Cap…Jim.”

“Have you heard from Uhura since you came here?” Jim asked, as he stopped in front of the tea selection.

“No,” Spock admitted.

Jim glanced at Spock. “That’s unusual, isn’t it?”

“She did express reservations about the continuation of our relationship.”

“So she really is taking this separation thing seriously?”

Spock shrugged slightly. “It is possible she meant more than a temporary separation.”

Jim turned from his perusal of the tea, frowning. “What exactly did she say?”

Spock’s color became greener. “That is private.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded, feeling unduly offended at the rebuke. He turned back to the tea. “What kind do you want then?”

“Jim, I—”

“No, no. Whatever. You’re right. What you and Uhura are or do is absolutely no business of mine. You pick out your tea. I’m going to get some cookies.”

He left Spock standing at the tea with a shake of his head. He reminded himself that Vulcans didn’t view friends the same way humans did and personal questions were not welcome even from friends.

Jim had always thought they were an odd couple anyway. But they seemed to work. Sort of. He knew Vulcans bonded though and yet there had never been any talk of that between Spock and Uhura that Jim knew of. Considering how closed off Spock was, they might have. It wasn’t like Uhura would run up and share the information with Jim.

He found his mother on the cookie aisle and she gave him a brilliant smile. He hooked his arm in hers.

“Where’s Spock?”

“Picking out tea. You pick some cookies?”

“I don’t know. We could bake some? The sugar cookies I baked weren’t that bad, were they?”

“No. If you like rock cookies, anyway.”

She lightly punched his arm. “Brat.”

Jim laughed.

She pushed a strand of hair behind his ear. “Your hair is getting long. That’s not regulation.”

“No, probably not. But I’ll cut it when I need to.”

“You need a shave too.”

“I hate shaving. Bad for the skin.”

“You’re a cute boy,” she said with a smile.

“You only say that because I look like you.”

“A bit. And George too.”

Jim searched her gaze. “You miss him? I mean still?”

“Oh.” She looked away toward the cookies. “Just every damn day. That’s all.”

“Sorry, Mom. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Don’t be sorry. He was part of both our lives. And he’s part of both of us. Shortbread?” She picked up a box of cookies shaped like trees and Santas.

“Yeah. And those too.” Jim picked up several more boxes of colorful cookies. “Anything else?”

“Well. What’s Spock going to eat tonight if we’re having roast chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy?”

“He can eat the potatoes minus the gravy. And the bread. And I picked him up some tomatoes and broccoli too. Some other veggies. He’ll be good.”

She smiled. “Okay. Is he coming with us to the bar tomorrow?”

“He said he is. He doesn’t drink though.”

“We’ll bring him some tea with us. Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Tommy down at the bar mentioned Diane would be there tomorrow.”

Jim broke out into a grin. “Yeah? I haven’t seen Diane in ages.”

“I know. Tommy says she got really excited to hear you were back in Riverside.”

He laughed. “Mom, are you matchmaking or something?”

“No, no. I just thought…you did use to go together.”

“A long time ago, yeah.” Memories of a laughing raven haired girl ran through his head. She had been very kind to him when he’d returned form Tarsus. “It’ll be good to see her. Really good.”

“She got a divorce from her husband,” Mom said, as she started walking down the aisle again.

“Uh-huh. Interesting.”

“Just saying.”

****

Jim was taking the last of the shopping bags out of the car when Spock stopped him.

“Hey, why are you still outside? It’s really cold. You can go in. I’ve got this.”

“I wished to apologize for my behavior in the grocery store.”

“Oh forget about that, Spock. It’s no big deal.”

“You were upset with me.”

“For like a second. I got over it. I remembered you’re Vulcan and don’t think of things the same way I do. I don’t take it personal, Spock. I know you can only give me what you’re capable of. We’re good.”

“Nyota said we should take an extended break.”

“Ah.” Jim licked his chapped lips. “That’s kind of vague, isn’t it?”

“Indeed.”

“Women.” Jim shook his head. “Who can understand them? I sure as hell can’t. But maybe you should ask her for clarification?”

Spock nodded. “Perhaps.”

“Inside. Now. Seriously. I see you shivering.”

“Do you wish help in carrying the packages?”

“No. Shoo shoo. It’s gonna start snowing any minute. I want to be inside, thank you very much.”

Just as they reached the back door into the farmhouse, the scents of roasted chicken and just baked rolls already hitting Jim, the first flakes fell on his nose and eyelashes.

Spock stared at him, blinking rapidly, before turning away and heading into the house.


	7. Frosty the Snowman

“Hey, Crazy. You know it’s snowing out here.”

His mother looked up from her seat on the edge of the porch railing. She was bundled up in a coat and hat and gloves. She was holding a glass of egg nog with brandy in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

“Needed a little break from the heat,” she replied. “You didn’t have to come out here after me.”

Jim stepped forward and snatched the cigarette from her hand, taking a large puff. He closed his eyes.

“Don’t. It’s a bad habit.”

“I have a lot of bad habits.” He took another puff then handed it back to her. “Back on Tarsus IV I smoked all the time.”

“Yeah?”

“Smokes were plentiful. Drugs too. It was food that was scarce.”

“Where’s Spock?”

“Meditating.”

She smiled, shaking her head. “I don’t think our family could sit still long enough to do that.”

“That’s for sure.”

Mom eyed him. “You’re antsy now.”

“It’s hard being grounded.”

“You’re not really though, are you? You’ll go back up again.”

Jim shrugged. “I hope so. But anything’s possible. They made him admiral, you know.”

“Him who?”

“That other Kirk from another timeline.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to wrap my mind around that,” she admitted. “I had another son somewhere else. There was another me.”

“Tell me about it. There was another Kirk and Spock and another Enterprise.”

She stabbed out her cigarette and sipped her egg nog. “You melded with the other one, right?”

“I’m surprised you remember that.”

“I remember everything you’ve ever told me, Jimmy. Did he give you any information? About that other time?”

Jim’s heart constricted. “Yeah. He showed me a lot of things. Stuff…I never wanted to know.”

“Such as?” she asked curiously.

Images flashed in his mind of that Spock and that Kirk kissing, sharing their life. He shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter, really. Nothing that will happen in my lifetime. That was theirs. Anyway, most of it was related to what led up to Nero and the destruction of Vulcan. I don’t think he meant to share the other things.”

“It’s still really strange.”

“It sure is,” he agreed.

“Do you think he’s out there?”

Jim knew instantly who she meant. How? He wasn’t even sure. But he knew. “I don’t know, Mom. He might be. Honestly, I haven’t heard from him since he walked away, leaving me behind with Frank.”

“Do you think he’s dead?”

“Maybe. I think he wants to be to us, anyway.”

She smiled sadly. “You’re telling me to let it go.”

“Sometimes you have to let stuff go or it eats you up.”

“What have you let go, Jim?”

He laughed humorlessly. “More than you can possibly imagine.”

“I want you to be happy. When I go.”

“Mom, I’m not going to be happy because you _will_ be gone. You’re the only family I have.”

“You know what I mean. I want you to fall in love.”

Jim snorted. “Love is for idiots.”

“Jim.”

“I know. It worked for you and Dad. He loved you, you loved him. Great. But I can assure you unrequited love sucks donkey balls.”

“I can’t imagine someone doesn’t love you.” She sounded surprised.

He laughed. He couldn’t help it. “Trust me. Lots of people can’t even stand me, let alone love me.”

“We’re getting off course here, Jim. I want you to find someone to make you happy and have a family.”

“Is that why you told me about Diane?”

Mom finished her egg nog. “She was good for you once. Wasn’t she?”

“She was.” He sighed. "I don't need my mother setting me up for a booty call."

"That's not what I'm doing," she protested.

He raised his eyebrows at her. "Isn't it?"

“Look, I don’t know if Diane is the one for you. But even if she isn’t, you can have some fun, talk over old times. Right?”

Jim smiled. “Sure. Maybe.”

She stood up and went to him, putting her gloved fingers on his rough cheek. “It would be nice not to feel numb, wouldn’t it? Even for a few hours?”

He swallowed. “Yeah. Yeah it would.”

“Come inside. It’s too damn cold even for snowmen.”

She opened the door and went back into the house.

He didn’t immediately go back inside. Instead he looked up at the sky. He couldn’t see the stars. Not with the snowstorm. But he knew they were there.

“Jim?”

“Yeah, Spock?”

“You are covered in snow.”

He smiled. “Yep.”

“Are you not cold?”

“Freezing, actually. Just call me Frosty.”

“Your name is Jim.” Spock opened the back door.

Jim shook his head. Vulcans. He turned toward Spock. “Yeah, okay. I’m coming in.”

He patted Spock’s arm as he brushed past him to go into the house.  


	8. Blue Christmas

Over time Spock had learned a few things about James T. Kirk. One of the most important lessons he had learned was that Jim hid behind his smiles. At first Spock hadn’t looked beyond the surface of that cocky, charming grin. Something he had regretted later when he realized the sadness that usually lurked under the smile.

He didn’t miss the false cheer coming from Jim as he, Winona, and Spock made their way to a bar called banally, Tommy’s.

On the surface the smiles, the laughter, the sheer jolliness was there. But Spock was not fooled.

It wasn’t that Jim never genuinely smiled. It was just that Spock had learned the difference. And so he kept a careful eye on Jim as they approached the bar.

“Hey, Tommy. Long time no see.”

“Jim Kirk! Our very own space celebrity,” Tommy said with a huge grin.

Jim laughed. “Hardly. Tommy, this is my friend, Spock. Spock this is Tommy. I went to high school with Tommy a hundred years or so ago.”

“Spock. Sure I’ve heard of you, too. You’re his first officer, right?”

Spock nodded. “That is correct.”

“Two space celebrities. How cool.” Tommy turned to Winona. “What will it be, Mrs. Kirk?”

“Just a beer for now, Tommy,” she replied, taking a stool, and pulling Jim down beside her. Spock took the stool on the other side of Jim.

“A double whiskey on the rocks,” Jim said. “We brought Spock tea because he doesn’t drink alcohol. You got hot water back there?”

Tommy gave Jim a look. “I can replicate tea, you know. I’m up to date on all the latest.”

Jim glanced at Spock. “You want to try his replicated stuff?”

Spock inclined his head. “Very well.”

Tommy moved off and Winona started looking around.

“I don’t see her yet,” she said.

“Who?”

“Diane,” she reminded Jim with a playful slap.

Jim laughed. “Give it a rest, Mom. I’m sure when and if she arrives, I’ll see her.”

“Who is Diane?” Spock wondered.

“A woman Mom is trying to set me up with. A long time ago she and I were a thing.”

Spock blinked. “A thing?”

“Yeah. We were dating. Sort of. Not that we went out on dates. But you know.” Jim smiled and shook his head. “I guess she’s divorced and back in Riverside too. And coming here tonight. At least that’s what Mom heard.”

Winona smiled brightly. “I just think it would be great if they hit it off again.”

Spock did not. No. He did not at all. He clenched his fists, then unclenched them when he realized what he was doing. He had nothing to say about who Jim was with. Nothing. Nothing to say. And yet—

“My mother the matchmaker.” Jim took a sip of the whiskey Tommy had just placed in front of him. He looked to Spock who picked up the cup of replicated tea. “You okay?”

Spock was not certain how to answer without it coming out as a falsehood, so he tried the tea. “It is satisfactory.”

“Good, but that’s not what I asked.”

“Jim? Jim Kirk?”

They both turned at the soft, almost reverent words. Spock’s heart clenched as an undeniably beautiful woman with long, raven hair stood just a few feet away. Spock had heard the term ‘stars in her eyes’ and never truly understood it. He did now.

“Diane?” Jim was smiling. And it was one of his genuine smiles, which for Spock made it all the worse. He was off his stool and in her arms in seconds.

And she was kissing Jim. Kissing him as though she had all the right in the world to be all over him as she was.  

Their kiss ended, finally, but they did not release each other even for a moment as Jim turned to Spock and Winona.

“Diane, do you remember my mom?”

“Sure, I do.” She put forth her hand and Winona took it, holding it as though Diane were some precious thing.

“It’s so good to see you again, Diane,” Winona said warmly. Spock tried not to think it was with more warmth than the way she greeted him. He suspected he was being unfair.

“And this,” Jim said, turning his vibrant eyes on Spock. “This is Spock, my best friend.”

Diane put her hand out towards Spock.

“No, no, honey, Vulcans don’t shake hands,” Jim said with a laugh.

Spock tried not to flinch at Jim’s use of the endearment.

“Oh, sorry.” Diane blushed prettily and turned her attention entirely back to Jim. “Can we talk some?”

Jim looked at his mom and Spock. “Um. I’ll be back in a bit.”

Diane dragged him away to another part of the bar. More patrons had arrived and there was loud Christmas music playing in the background.

Winona moved to the stool next to Spock. “Hey, you look kind of sad. Parties really aren’t your thing, huh?”

Spock watched Jim, whose head was bent down low as he talked to Diane. He recognized that look in Jim’s eyes. It was his playful sexual look. It made Spock’s stomach turn. He looked away, entirely dissatisfied with himself and with the whole situation.

“I do not like parties much, no,” Spock admitted.

“We shouldn’t have dragged you out here,” she said with a smile. “I’m actually feeling a little tired. It’s the sickness I think. And the lights are bothering my eyes. Why don’t I take us back home?”

“What about Jim?”

“Hang on.” Winona slid off the stool and went over to Jim. They exchanged a few words, then Winona patted Jim’s arm with a smile and came back toward Spock. Jim never once looked in his direction and Spock didn’t know why that bothered him.

“He’ll get a ride home from Diane.” She laughed. “If he comes home tonight. He works fast. Always has. You ready?”

Spock nodded and left his mostly untouched replicated tea on the table.

“This night kind of sucks for you, huh?” she asked as they headed for the exit.

Spock did not wish to lie so he didn’t answer and followed her out the door and to the hover car.


	9. Do You Hear What I Hear?

Jim was freezing really. Damn fucking cold. And he regretted his decision to walk back to the farmhouse rather than getting a ride. Not his smartest decision.

But he’d made it and was now in the barn. As he’d been about to turn toward the farmhouse, he’d changed directions and went in to check on the hover car. Of course it was fine. He supposed he was partly delaying going into the house. It wasn’t the easiest thing he’d ever done, pretending to be—what was the word—jolly for his mother’s sake. Riverside sucked and it always had, in Jim’s opinion. He would never have come back here if his mom hadn’t wanted the perfect family Christmas they’d never had. But Jim was trying. God, was he trying.

He leaned heavily against the hover car. Having Spock here helped. Spock by his side always made things better. That seemed to be a universal constant anyway. Even if the romantic love stuff wasn’t.

“Captain?”

Speak of the devil. Elf. Vulcan. Whatever. Somehow he wasn’t surprised Spock found him out here. Spock seemed to have some sort of sixth sense where Jim was concerned.

He smiled. “Hey, Spock.” Didn’t even bother to correct the ‘captain’. Really? Sometimes it just wasn’t worth it.

Spock was bundled up in a fake fur-lined coat with a hood, which he had raised up over his head. Just a hint of gray sweater showed at his collar.

“What are you doing out here in the barn?”

“Checking on things, I guess,” Jim answered vaguely.

“Your hair is covered in snow.”

“Yeah. I walked home. It was snowing.”

“Walked? Why did your friend not drive you?”

“She passed out. Or mostly anyway.”

“You could have commed me, Captain. I would have come to get you,” Spock told him.

“I know.” Jim sighed. “I didn’t want to bother you. And I thought I needed—wanted—the walk. I ended up freezing my ass off though.”

“Perhaps you should have stayed there with her until the morning.”

“I didn’t want to. Anyway, we only talked.”

Spock stared at him intently. “You did not engage in coitus?”

Jim laughed. “I’m really not sure whether I’m laughing at your use of that word, which I don’t know, sounds kind of dirty and school-marmish at the same time, or if I’m laughing because you just asked me if I had sex.”

“Captain—”

He shook his head. “No, I did not engage in coitus with Diane, Spock. We talked. She mostly talked about how depressed she is over her divorce. And I told her a bit about Mom and space. And some other things.” He left that deliberately vague because Spock didn’t need to know what kept Jim aching sometimes.

“I was under the impression you wished to spend the night with her.”

“I briefly thought about it, honestly,” Jim admitted.

“What changed your mind?”

“Despite what my matchmaking mother thinks I’m not interested in pursuing long term commitments. Particularly with women grounded here on Earth.” Jim shrugged. “Diane meant something to me once and I didn’t want to make things worse for her by using her for instant gratification that would be just a memory by tomorrow afternoon.”

 Jim straightened away from the hover car, far too aware of Spock’s intense stare.

“Guess we should go back to the house.”

“Why are you sad?”

Jim stopped, stared at Spock. “Sad? I’m not sad.”

“You are deliberately trying to prevent anyone from knowing you are, but you are indeed sad. I see it behind your careful façade. Others who do not spend a great deal of time and effort surveying your everyday behavior might be fooled. I am not.” Spock paused. “I ask again, why are you sad? Is it your mother?”

“I guess in some ways, sure. But I’ve always known she wasn’t going to be a large part of my life and I’m prepared for the inevitable.”

“There is more.”

Jim bristled at Spock’s insistence. “You don’t want to know.”

“I would not have made the query were I not invested in the answer.”

He found himself clenching his fists and digging his fingers into the palms. Did he want to punch Spock or kiss the fuck out of him? And what the hell would that do anyway?

“I don’t know, okay?” Jim replied, frustrated. “I don’t know why. I just am.”

Spock tilted his head. “I find that I do not believe you.”

“Well, tough then.”

Spock grabbed Jim’s arm to stop him from walking out of the barn.

“Fuck it.”

Jim curled his hand around the back of Spock’s neck and shoved him against the wall of the barn, slamming his mouth down on Spock’s, opening his mouth, shoving his tongue between Spock’s startled lips.

It was not a gentle kiss. Not one of soft whispers, hesitant lovers.

It was brutal, intense, passionate, consuming, and aggravating all at once.

Spock barely reacted. Jim put all his feelings, all his denied passion and love and torment into it and it was as though he was kissing a block of ice.

He tore his mouth from Spock's and went to pull away.

Until he found their positions reversed.

He was pushed against the wall, Spock was kissing him back as though he’d been dying and Jim was his survival. They were pressed together, so close, so close, Jim could feel all of Spock and Spock could feel all of him. Their erect cocks brushed against each other, grinded, humped.

Jim couldn’t help it. He was totally rubbing all over Spock, feeling Spock’s hardness against his. He heard a sort of mewling sound, realized he was making that sound as he clung to Spock, kissing him, stroking him, grinding on him like an animal in heat.

Spock had lifted him slightly off the ground, but he was propped up against the barn wall. His lips felt bruised and swollen. His tongue had been sucked to its root to almost painfulness, and yet he yearned for more. Spock’s mouth slid to his throat, biting the pulse there.

Jim was so close. So close.

“Please,” he gasped out.

Spock rubbed against him harder still, slamming him back against the wall with such force it seemed as though the entire barn shook.Stars exploded behind Jim’s eyes. He came more powerfully than he could remember in a very long time, making embarrassing whining sounds all the while and somehow not caring.

He’d lost the ability to breathe and was somehow cold and burning up at the same time.

But reality came crashing back as he lifted his eyelids to stare at Spock.

His friend. One of his two best friends. And he…he…what had he done?

Spock was his friend. Only. Spock had a girlfriend. This was not the Spock of the other timeline and he was not the Kirk.

What the fuck had he done?

He shoved hard at Spock, knocking the Vulcan off balance until Spock stumbled back against some farm equipment.

“Sorry,” Jim managed to get out past the enormous ball of shame converging in his chest and filling up his throat. “I’m so sorry.”

“Jim—”

“I didn’t mean that. It was a mistake. It was—I’ve gotta get out of here.”

He was acting cowardly. He was. But Spock was staring at Jim as though he didn’t know him at all and any minute he’d probably tell Jim he wanted nothing to do with him and God, but Jim agreed. He shouldn’t. Spock should run and run fast.

Instead, Jim would run.

He made his way to the hover car and he was in it and starting it before he barely had time to think.

“Jim, wait,” Spock said.

But his expression was eerily, strangely closed off. And it made Jim feel like one giant aching sore.

He maneuvered out of the barn and away from the farmhouse. He could see in the rearview computers that the lights were glowing warmly from the farmhouse and it looked almost inviting.

He was back at Diane’s house before he even thought of a destination. He knocked on her door. Waited.

Her surprise showed as she opened the door, looking vaguely ill and unsettled. “Jim? I thought you left.”

“I did. Can I come in?”

“Come in? But I thought—”

“I changed my mind. Can I stay?”

She stepped aside and held the door wide for him and he walked in, allowing her to close the door behind him.


	10. All I Want for Christmas is You

Spock had returned to the house after Jim’s abrupt departure. Jim’s mother had gone to bed, so Spock had turned off most of the lights and gone up to his room as well.

He had sat down on the edge of his bed and wondered why he hadn’t gone after Jim. He didn’t have a hover car, it was true. Nor did he know where Jim intended to go. But perhaps he should have made an effort nevertheless.

Now he was at a loss as to what he should do.

When he heard a noise downstairs, Spock tried to convince himself it was Winona. Jim didn’t seem intent on returning anytime soon.

But he could not sit idle and wonder.

Spock left his room and went down the stairs expecting to see Winona making herself tea or coffee or even egg nog in the kitchen. But there was no one in the kitchen.

He turned away from the kitchen toward the living room.

Standing by the brightly lit Christmas tree was Jim.

Beautiful and vulnerable.

Spock was frozen in place, but still he managed to call out, “Jim?”

Jim closed his eyes. “Do you hate me?”

“No.” Spock took a step forward.

“Are you sure?”

“I could never hate you.” Another step.

“Is that because Vulcans don’t hate?”

“Jim.” One more step.

“Sorry. Sometimes I can’t shut up.” He opened his eyes, bright and blue, the multi-colored lights seemingly reflecting in them, making them brighter still. “You hated me once, didn’t you?”

“No. You made me angry, but hate? Never. Not for you.” Spock took two more steps this time. He had nearly reached Jim. “You of all people know that I do feel hate. For Nero, for Khan, for others who sought to destroy all that we are. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me hate you.”

“I’m sorry about earlier.”

“Your leaving?”

“Yeah. That and other stuff.” Jim sighed, looked away toward the Christmas tree.

“Where did you go?”

“To Diane’s. I don’t even know why. And I’m sure she hates me.”

Spock let out a breath. “And why would she hate you?”

“Because I went there for…I don’t even know. But all I did was talk about…you. And here I am.”

“Above all, we are friends.”

Jim nodded. “Yes. You have been and always will be my friend.” He smiled, but it was tinged with sadness.

“Those are the words of my counterpart.”

“And we are not them.”

“No, we are not.”

“Believe me, I know,” Jim said softly.

Spock took the remaining steps until he was right in front of Jim. “What do you want, Jim?”

Jim wouldn’t look at him but he visibly swallowed. “I want you.”

Spock’s heart rate skyrocketed and he took one more step until he was in Jim’s personal space. “And if…if I want to be wanted by you?”

Jim’s gaze flew to Spock, his eyes wide. “What?”

“Do you really believe you acted alone in the barn?” Spock asked softly.

“But I—but you—”

Spock lifted his hand to Jim’s face, cupping Jim’s cheek, and stroking his thumb over Jim’s chin. “Look into my eyes. What do you see?”

Jim’s breath caught. “I’m not sure I believe it.”

“Vulcans do not lie.”

“But—”

“Jim.” He leaned his forehead against Jim’s. “Who am I spending my leave with?”

“Me. But what about Uhura?”

“You are the reason for our separation.”

“What?”

“She sensed in me that my feelings had changed. Our relationship has ended, Jim.”

Jim stared at Spock, looking so lost and uncertain Spock’s heart clenched. “But we’re not like them.”

“You speak of our counterparts again?”

“Yes. They were together. There was no Uhura between them.” Jim shook his head. “Though there were others, I think.”

“You are correct.” Spock leaned away enough to reach Jim’s lips, which he kissed gently. “We are not them. What they did or did not do does not reflect on us. I know nothing about a universal constant. We are who we are and what we want to be.”

Jim licked his lips. “What do you want, Spock?” Jim asked, as he had asked Jim.

“I want the most impossible, illogical, infuriating man I have ever known. I want _you_ as my own.”

“I really want to kiss you right now.”

Spock quirked a brow. “I have no idea what you are waiting for.”

Jim laughed and it was a joyful sound that pleased Spock very much. But not as much as when Jim leaned in and kissed him. And kissed him. Jim’s lips were slightly chapped, dry and warm. Almost unbearably delicious and Spock found himself almost instantly aroused.

Jim seemed to answer with his own arousal as Spock scented it, and when he pulled back, his pupils were blown wide. “I really want you to fuck me.”

“Perhaps by the Christmas tree would not be ideal,” Spock murmured against Jim’s lips.

Jim laughed again, low and throaty, and it went straight to Spock’s cock. “Yeah, Mom could come out of her bedroom at any time.”

Spock linked his hand with Jim’s and led him toward the stairs. He tried to tamp down his excitement when Jim almost tripped in his eagerness to go with Spock.

He led Jim to his room, only because it was first at the top of the stairs. As soon as the door closed behind them, Spock was on Jim, kissing him desperately, giving into years of yearning for him, for Jim, for both of them.

He peeled the shirt Jim wore off of him, taking a brief moment to gaze upon the perfect golden skin and muscular pecs and abs.

Jim gave him sort of a shy smile which surprised and melted Spock. “I’ve got a few scars.”

“You are perfection,” Spock said, and meant every word.

Jim’s hands framed Spock’s face. “You’re the perfect one.” He began kissing Spock again with such fervent need it shook Spock to his core.

He lifted his human into his arms and carried him the rest of the way to his bed.

Jim watched him intently as he allowed Spock to remove his boots, his socks, and then his pants, leaving Jim completely nude. Spock was struck once more how extremely beautiful Jim was. ‘Aesthetically pleasing’ was not nearly enough.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

“Your clothes.”

The smile Jim gave him made Spock’s heart beat hard in his side and rendered him slightly dizzy with need.

He discarded his clothes efficiently and then knelt on the bed next to Jim, very aware of his captain’s assessing gaze.

“You take my breath away,” Jim whispered.

Which earned him a kiss. Spock spent several minutes kissing Jim. Getting to know every nook and cranny of that tempting mouth. When he’d finally turned to something else—and it was not enough, it was never enough—he covered Jim’s neck, chest and stomach in kisses and bites that left Jim shaking and whimpering with each one.

When his own aching cock could no longer he denied, Spock rose above Jim, gazes locked. His Vulcan cock supplied the lubricant that would ease the way inside Jim. Jim licked his lips and wrapped his legs high around Spock’s waist, angling himself for Spock to easily enter and fill him.

Jim’s breath hitched as Spock thrust in. There was a wet sheen to his eyes that stilled Spock’s movements.

“Am I hurting you?”

“No,” Jim assured him. “I just…I can’t believe this is real.”

Spock’s side constricted. “It is real. For both of us.”

Jim smiled tremulously.

He could not reach Jim’s lips like this, but he could reach his hands and so Spock connected their hands and slowly pumped into Jim. Spock had never felt anything like it, Jim’s muscles clenching around him, giving him almost unbearable pleasure.

And when he could no longer move slowly within Jim, Jim arched up into each frantic thrust, until Spock could not hold back, gasping out his pleasure as he filled his captain.

He released one of Jim’s hands to curl his fingers over Jim’s erection. Jim’s eyelids were half-closed, his lips parted on a pant, the same sort of mewling sounds he’d made in the barn falling from his lips, as once, twice, three, and then four times, and Jim came undone, all over Spock’s hand.

He was a triumphant and well-pleased Vulcan as he collapsed upon Jim, holding him close and snugly so that Jim did not get away.       


	11. A Wonderful Christmastime

At first the bed felt almost unbearably cold and empty when Jim opened his eyes. He turned his head toward where Spock had been, but there was just an indentation on the pillow.

“Spock?”

“I am here, ashayam.”

Jim sat up and saw as Spock unfolded himself from the floor.

“I was meditating.”

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“I was finished. And you are welcome to interrupt whenever you need to.” Spock sat on the edge of the bed and reached for Jim’s hand. “How do you feel?”

Jim smiled and closed his hand over Spock’s. “Happy. I feel happy.”

Spock kissed him. “If I had known—”

“It’s okay. We know now. Both of us. Let’s not dwell on what might have been but what we can build together for the future.” Jim lowered his gaze, suddenly uncertain.  “If that’s what you want.”

“There is nothing I want more. In fact, I would like to discuss bonding with you.”

Jim’s gaze rose, his heart rate kicking up. “Bonding?” he whispered.

“I do not wish to frighten you.”

His smile widened. “Do I look frightened?”

Spock cocked his head. “No.”

“Tell me more.”

“We would share a mental link. Are you familiar with Vulcan bonds?”

“Sure. I know of them.”

“Bonds can be formed with other species.”

“Humans?” Jim kissed Spock gently.

“Indeed. My parents were bonded.”

“Were they? I didn’t know that.” Jim touched his fingertips to Spock’s cheek. “They were bonded.”

“Who?”

“The others, I think.” He spread his fingers across Spock’s skin. “The ones who weren’t us.”

“I did not know that, but it does not surprise me. My counterpart looked upon you with singular fondness.” Spock closed his eyes and leaned into Jim’s touch. “If agreeable, we would need to go before a Vulcan priest or priestess who would link our minds formally.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. Well. I need some time to process it. Everything. But it doesn’t sound so bad.”

Spock hesitated. “There is more. I believe we already have a preliminary link. It should make formally bonding fairly simple."

“I’m not sure anything about you is ever simple, Spock. What’s a preliminary link?”

“We are…t’hy’la.”

“Ah.” Jim nodded. “Spock, I mean the other Spock, called his Jim that, in his memories.”

“We are friend, brother, lover. It is a combination of all things.”

“Like a soulmate.”

“In simplest terms.” 

“Right now, it sounds good. Being with you in…every way we can be, just sounds amazing.”

Spock gave him a rare slight smile. “For me also.”

Jim licked his lips. “I really want you to fuck me again.”

The eyebrow shot up. “Speaking of…if we are mated there is the matter of Pon Farr.”

“Uh-huh.” Jim drew Spock down to him on the bed, kissing him deeply.

“Jim, this is serious—”

“Later.”

“Jim—”

“Spock,” Jim said huskily, his hand reaching beneath Spock’s meditation robe.

“Jim,” Spock groaned.

Jim smiled triumphantly.

****

“Good morning, boys.”

Jim turned from the stove where he was about to put on the teakettle to warm. Spock was at the coffeemaker, spooning in coffee.

“Good morning, Mom.”

She glanced out the window beyond them. “Snowing still, huh?”

“Like crazy. We’re definitely going to have a white Christmas.” Jim smiled at her. “I thought I’d make potato pancakes. That okay?”

“Sounds fantastic, actually.” Mom leaned against the kitchen counter. “I have to admit I’m surprised to see you this early. I thought you might spend the night with Diane.”

Jim saw Spock stiffening out of the corner of his eye, but Jim chuckled. “There is no Diane, Mom. And there isn’t going to be one ever.”

“No?”

“No.” Jim walked over to Spock and to Spock’s obvious surprise he put his arm around Spock. “But there is a Spock.”

Spock arched his brow at Jim but there was a slight upturn of his lips. “Indeed.”

His mother’s eyes widened and then she made a sort of squealing noise and launched herself at Jim.

“Hey, hey,” Jim laughed.

“This is just wonderful. Wonderful.” She then hugged Spock, which made Jim laugh even more. “You two are so secretive. I had no idea.”

“Really? Some would have said it was obvious.” Jim winked at Spock.

“This really is a great Christmas, isn’t it?” Mom beamed happily.

“I can’t complain,” Jim said.

“Nor can I.”

Mom kissed Jim’s cheek. “I’m so happy.”

“I’m glad.”

“I’m going to go light a fire and put on some Christmas music.”

Spock murmured after she left the kitchen, “She seems well pleased.”

“She does. I guess she doesn’t want me to end up old and alone.” Jim shrugged.

“I would not want that for you either.”

Jim bit his lip and looked away.

“Jim?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“It is something I think.”

Jim swallowed heavily. “I was just thinking about…the other you and…the other me. And in the end, he was alone. Without his t’hy’la. And you—” He closed his eyes. “I don’t want to think about it.”

“Then don’t, ashayam. Neither of us can predict the future. There are many possibilities. Let us just enjoy this time together and with your mother for the holidays.”

“Be here now. Right?”

“Yes, beloved.”

Jim smiled. “I can do that.”

Spock kissed Jim’s ear until he shivered.

Jim moved away. “How about those potato pancakes?”   


	12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

“Hey, it’s getting late. Shouldn’t you be going to bed?” Jim asked his mom as she putzed around the kitchen at just after midnight on Christmas Eve.

“In a little bit. Where’s Spock?”

“Meditating.” Jim leaned against the counter. “What’s going on?”

She hugged herself. “It just occurred to me I never got to do the things Moms do at Christmas.”

“Such as?”

“Putting cookies out for Santa. Filling your stocking after you went to bed.” Her bottom lip trembled. “And I’ll never get to because you’re all grown up now. And even if you and Spock were to have a child, the chances I’ll even be around are…not good.”

Jim moved away from the counter and drew her into an embrace. “We’ll never be family of the year, you know, and that’s okay.”

“Is it?”

“Yes. I heard someone say once that there is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have.”

“I’ve wasted so much time,” she whispered into his neck, holding him close. “I let grief over your father consume me and now…I’ve lost Sam. I could have lost you.”

“You didn’t.”

“It was a near thing. The only reason you’re here with me is because of who you are not because of who I am.”

Jim kissed her forehead. “We are what and who we are, Mom. Whatever has come before is in the past, and now we’re here having our Christmas. Next year we don’t know what will happen, what it will bring. We may be together again, I hope so, but if we aren’t, then we have this, now, and it will sustain us.”

Her smile was watery. “You have no idea how very very proud I am of you.”

“Merry Christmas, Mom.”

“Merry Christmas, darling.”

****

“Jim?”

“Here Spock.”

Spock stepped onto the front porch. He had no idea what the temperature was that Christmas morning, but it was unbelievably, frigidly cold. He did not relish going out into it. It was not snowing, at least, but there was snow on the ground.

Jim wore a big fluffy coat and a beany on his head, and gloves at least. And Spock was similarly dressed. But he was still freezing. He hoped he could coax Jim back inside.

“It is very cold,” Spock said, wrapping his arms around Jim from behind.

“Uh-huh. Reminds me a bit of Delta Vega. You know where some pointy-eared bastard marooned me.”

“Jim—”

Jim chuckled and turned in Spock’s arms to face him. “I’m never going to let you forget that.”

“Clearly.”

“Breakfast was good, yes?”

“Indeed. The Belgian waffles had a bit of a vanilla flavor. I have gotten spoiled on your cooking, Jim.”

“It’s nice not to have replicated food for a change. I guess we’ll be going back to that soon enough.”

Spock studied his face. “You received our orders?”

“Yeah.” Jim smiled. “We’re going out again on the Enterprise. I don’t know about everyone else, but you and I are. And mine comes with a promotion.” Jim sighed. “Commodore Kirk.”

“A well-earned one, I would say.”

“You’re biased.”

“You are the finest commanding officer I have ever served under and I have no wish to serve under anyone else.”

Jim smiled softly. “You didn’t always think so.”

“Perhaps not, but as you told your mother whatever has come before is the past.”

Jim laughed. “You were listening.”

“Yes,” Spock freely admitted. “Wherever you are, I am never far behind.”

Jim’s breath hitched as he leaned into kiss Spock’s lips. They were unexpectedly warm and Spock thought he could drown in their taste. “I love you so much.”

“And you are my heart…my everything.”

“Your t’hy’la.”

“Very much so.”

Jim’s gaze suddenly dropped.

Spock hitched a gloved finger under his chin and lifted Jim’s face. There were tears in Jim’s eyes. “Jim?”

“I’m sorry I’m so emotional. I try not to be.”

“I do not want you to change.”

“My emotions don’t embarrass you?”

“No. Why do you cry?”

“I got my wish.”

“Your wish?”

“You for Christmas.”

“Ah.” Spock tightened his hold on his t’hy’la. “Then we both got our wish.”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,” Jim whispered in perfect pronunciation. “I will bond with you.”

Spock closed his eyes and held Jim so tight he was surprised Jim did not protest. “Can we go inside now, ashayam? It is really cold.”

Jim pulled back with a smile. “Yeah. It’s time to sing Christmas Carols or whatever.”

"I do not sing."

Jim headed for the door into the house. “We’ll get you some hot chocolate. You'll sing.”

“Jim, chocolate—”

“Yeah, I know, Spock. That’s the point.” Jim’s laughter boomed through the house and it heated Spock in ways that even the warmth of the house could not do.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and indulging me in another holiday story.


End file.
